As regular visitors will remember, a couple of months ago I wrote a column about diets. More specifically, I wrote about how numerous people each year ask me to write out a detailed diet for them. To read that column -
click here.
A few days after posting the column, I got an email from Shank Dorsey. Shank Dorsey is a legend among central Ohio wrestlers. He started wrestling about 20 years ago and if you let him start telling stories... well, let's just say the old-timer tends to ramble.
Anyway, Shank emailed me. Shank said he was determined to lose some weight. Shank is about 40 years old now and has decided it is time to get in shape. He said he was going to write down everything he ate for the week and email it to me. I chuckled to myself. "Sure. You do that." I replied.
To my astonishment, a week later, Shank Dorsey emailed me a list of everything he had eaten. Let's take a look at one day of Shank Dorsey's regular eating habits.
Monday:
7:00 AM 2 McDonalds Breakfast Burritos, hash brown, large coke
8:30 AM 6 pack of little chocolate donuts, can of Pepsi
10:30 AM bag of runts candy, can of diet Pepsi
12:30 PM Fazoli's spaghetti and garlic bread, large Pepsi
2:00 PM Twix candy, can of Pepsi
3:30 PM double cheeseburger, large fry, and large coke
5:00 PM small bag of Doritos, can of Pepsi
6:30 PM large meat loverŐs pizza, breadsticks, 1 liter of coke
9:00 PM 3 scoops of chocolate ice cream, can of diet coke
10:00 PM bottle of Yoo-hoo
I should at this point state; I am surprised he has lived to be 40 years old. With his diet... There is less garbage in some landfills.
Shank is fat. I know plenty of fat people. One thing about 99% of fat people - they are LAZY. In fact, right now there are probably fat people reading this who are thinking to themselves, "That SOB. I ought to kick Mattis right square in the... do I smell cornbread?"
Anyway, I know it would be a waste of time to write out an elaborate diet plan. There is no way 'fat boy' would be able to follow it. So, I decided to start with something simple. I responded to his email with the following suggestion, "Stop drinking soda you fat piece of crap. You are drinking like a 12-pack of soda everyday. STOP. From now on try drinking water, coffee, or iced tea."
A few days later I got this reply from Shank, "I don't like coffee, tea or water. What else can I drink?"
Me, "Hey, fat butt - you asked how to lose weight, I told you."
Shank, "Ok. I will stop drinking soda. But, I can't quit cold turkey."
Me, "Tell ya what fat boy, email me on the floopteenth of Jantober when you stop drinking soda."
Shank, "I will."
And I haven't heard from the lazy piece of crap since... I realize he will probably read this. He will probably even send me a nasty email. But, he is fat. And being fat... he is lazy. His anger will quickly fade and turn to hunger as he spots a half-eaten Twinkie in a nearby trashcan.
Yardbird.
